I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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