Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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