He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize