Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
