She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Randomize
