I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
