Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
