I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
