Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
