wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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