So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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