it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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