life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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