Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize