And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
