new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
