she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
