I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
