I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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