a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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