You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
