How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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