he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
