I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
