thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
