OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
