What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
