you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
