The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
