i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
