You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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