I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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