hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
