i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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