Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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