Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
