The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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