The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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