woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
