i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
