made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
