In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
