if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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