I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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