he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
