The maid of honor just puked.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
