If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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