I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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