Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
