just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
