I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
