Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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