Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
