between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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