is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
