Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I have aggressive nipples.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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