Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just gift wrapped bread.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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