I will die if light touches me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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