im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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